Learning to be comfortable in a blindfold

We walk by faith, and not by sight.
I hate this. I like seeing. Knowing where I am going, being able to see the path in front of me, knowing I'm not about to fall into a crater full of snakes, acid and Christmas music (it's November people! (sorry...)) helps me remain calm and trusting in God. But life and the Bible tells me its not like this. 4 months of praying for direction in 2011 led to me being told by God that in 11 days I would be joining another YE ministry team. Not exactly advanced notice. Not knowing how I will be able to pay all my bills, where I am supposed to do God's work, whether I will find fulfillment in God's work, and whether I have anything to hope for in life dominate my worries. Pretty grim for someone who has a Father who "withholds no good things" (Psalm 84:11).
But life and the Bible have also taught me to trust God, in a rather legit way. After years of just barely having what I need to pay pills month to month, yet always having enough to pay the bills. Never having a job or ministry that is longer than a year contract, yet always have something next. Car Rental and Airline webpages that stop working when I just needed them to work, followed by an amazing deal the night before. Times of unbearable questions and trouble, followed times of understanding and answers and fulfillment. 
I am learning that trusting God is not something you learn from stories, but learn from reflections on experiences that show it could only have been Him. That trust doesn't come from understanding of how God works, but understanding only that He will work. That happiness does come from having things the way you want them. That my mission in life is not to have what others have, but only what God gives me. That answers to prayer don't usually mean taking the pain away, but being held by God through that. That God is powerful in ways that are surprising to me.
I live in a world where the people around me will fail me, where I more than likely will always have overwhelming debt, where my work will often be frustrating in ways I struggle with handling, and where Christmas music is bound to one day start in October. But this is my Fathers world. Something is coming up next. Bills will get paid. People are worth it despite how they act. I have purpose beyond what I see. God will never stop growing me into a better person. Life will be worth it. I am learning this. I am starting to feel and be able to hold onto something I cannot see or feel.
There was a youth conference here at camp this past weekend, and at the very beginning of there program they showed a video. The message of this video was 'will you let the situations around you effect you, or will you instead effect those situations?' This is my goal.

Enjoying surviving a quiet day

Today I'm enjoying a day to myself here in Dayton Ohio. Normally on days off I am the 'keep to myself type', but on this particular day I was ready to talk to anything that moved. My team however was feeling the quality alone time vibe, which was fine, so I was mostly left on my own. We are staying at a church here in town, as apposed to our usual staying at a host home. It's nice to have time and space to yourself, but when your a compulsive extrovert, it can be frightful. And I'm pretty sure this church is haunted, so I escaped to the great outside. Remember that guy that went 'into the wild' and wandered his way all the way up to Alaska? I would lose my mind after the first day alone.

            An hour long run, and some bible and book time turned it into a good day though, and I think I'm at the point where I am realizing just how good it was for me to get away. I remember way back to our ministry team training in September and how I felt God telling me that my daily time with Him was also daily time away from this world. Away from the hecticness, that which wears on me, and away from the evilness of this world that the Bible so frequently warns us from getting entangled in. It is good to take a break and sink into God's word and thoughts, just so I can remember what is actually true, and be better prepared to combat thinking that easily gets in my head and leads me astray from God's truth. I ended up taking a break also from music as well, just for a little more peace. 

            Its been a really great week. Stayed with an awesome family in Mifflinburg PA, got to see Amanda and Brice Dieter and Jason Wood in Bemus Point NY (they are cool people, you should be their friends). While we were at that church, I really felt God moving. It was great, often I feel like we arrive in a church, do our little song and dance, and leave. And while I don't doubt the work that we do does have purpose we don't see, in this place I could really feel the Holy Spirit move. We did 2 interactive worship programs and a chapel at a school. Through all of this I really felt God tugging on me. At the time I didn't know what He was trying to tell me, so I just prayed that He would move. He did. All though these 3 programs I really felt the Holy Spirit at work. Our personal faith sharings just seemed to have more 'umph'. The kids were really getting into the worship, and after the program I have half a dozen people come up to me and tell me that what I shared that night really moved them and spoke into their lives. It was awesome. I was like a shot of adrenaline to my spirit. Aside from that, the kids were awesome to just hang out with, one of them knew the band Philmont and I almost lost my mind (they are awesome, I want to be their real life friend, you should buy all there music).

            Other fun stories from the week include my team-mate Benjy showering upstairs in the cabin we were staying in, which backed up and flooded the kitchen below, receiving the tablet computer I ordered (woo) which came without a charger (butts), and playing laser tag with a high school youth group.

            Currently I am chillin in a coffee shop. Its a happy mix of both solitude and socialization. I am also people watching, which can be a really greta time in a college town. A bunch of girls just rand by screaming and fist pumping. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I am sure it was 'Go my favourite sports team!". I am Looking forward to traveling to Tennessee tomorrow and then swinging through Virginia, DC, Maryland, Delaware, and New Jersey this week. I also hopefully get my tablet charger via the US postal service tomorrow. Tomorrow also brings hopes of being overly social with my teamates in the van. :)

Intentional purposefulness

Is it a sin to not be purposeful? I feel bad saying that, because we live in culture where we are told and even forced at times to be as productive as possible. I struggle with that in many ways, but this is a topic for another day. The question is, does God expect us to be productive?
One of the greatest blessing I have had, has been to look at my life and seen where God has tooled me with abilities. To see that I am capable at something and to see that I have purpose in those things is an incredible feeling. But is not using them a sin?
I am currently at 'home' (I donno what home is supposed to be anymore, but I am staying with my parents and I guess that's as close as it gonna get at this point). To be honest, its hard. They are both out at work all day, the people I want to hang out with (aka friends) live over an hour away, if not more, and my car is a lawn ornament on the farm currently. The extrovert in me is crying out for human interaction, so I turn to facebook. At the end of the day, I feel like mush. No motivation, sunken in worries about all kinds of things, and in general feeling fairly down.
Tonight, I was doing a great job with this. I had an alright day, but didn't do a whole lot. Went to the coffee shop in town, downloaded 8 programs for my new computer, facebooked, then came home to have dinner with mom and watch a movie (Speed. great movie. too many people die though). 9pm rolls around, and its sleep time (break is a beautiful thing). I retire to my room, and kind of sulk for a bit. I look at another day gone by where I set out to do several things, only to have accomplished facebook and a smoothie. Could have worked on my car, read a book, even worked on some video/graphic production stuff. But like I said, facebook.
At this point I was also struggling with worries. This, that, money, friends, deadlines, car, money, blah, blah, faith, money, exercise, my colon, etc. The thing is though, these worries are all entirely blown out of proportion. They are all fine in actuality, within the realm of accomplishment and problem solving. But for some reason, their weight at this moment is overwhelming, and disheartening. I prayed for a bit, but it was about a lively as a funeral. I looked over and saw a book I had started reading a while ago. I picked it up, and read 50 pages. It wasn't hard, Donald Miller writes like I think, and reading his books is like having a conversation with someone who 'gets you'. At the end of it all, I felt 3000% better. Worries had retreated to reasonable concerns that were easy to address, motivation was doing well, and talking to God had purpose instead of 'habit'.
Did I read something inspiring? Not really, it was a good read, but nothing mind blowing. Do I like to read? Rarely, though books on Christian living are really starting to become a staple in my life. Was reading Donald Miller the extrovert conversation I needed? I hope not, I don't think book reading replaces human interactions.
What I think happened here was that I did something purposeful. As I said, reading is not something I do for entertainment or to relax, but this book does drop insights into my life from time to time. I think God is trying to show me that I live to be productive. To accomplish, succeed, create, move. Sitting around on facebook all day, ignoring what needs to be done is not what God has in mind for me, or anyone for that matter. There are things that need to be done, not for the sake of being done, but to accomplish a purpose. I am meant to have purpose, I was created to do so. That doesn't mean I wake up every morning and get right on the list of things to do until sun down, but it means that devote a healthy portion of my day to doing what God was gifted me to do. Maybe that's fixing my car, or running a sound board, or calling car insurance companies to get quotes. Some fun, some really not.
Maybe that's what I'm missing in my day, some intentional accomplishments. Maybe these fears, worries, and lack of motivation are God's way of showing me that I am not on track at the moment. That when I seek His purpose in my day, I am better able to see His provision for what's ahead.
I kinna feel like a kid getting candy as a positive re-enforcer. Then again, maybe God is just trying to get my attention. Or maybe me choosing to be lazy is me choosing to try and fill the blessing box in my life that God is meant to fill.