Learning to be comfortable in a blindfold

We walk by faith, and not by sight.
I hate this. I like seeing. Knowing where I am going, being able to see the path in front of me, knowing I'm not about to fall into a crater full of snakes, acid and Christmas music (it's November people! (sorry...)) helps me remain calm and trusting in God. But life and the Bible tells me its not like this. 4 months of praying for direction in 2011 led to me being told by God that in 11 days I would be joining another YE ministry team. Not exactly advanced notice. Not knowing how I will be able to pay all my bills, where I am supposed to do God's work, whether I will find fulfillment in God's work, and whether I have anything to hope for in life dominate my worries. Pretty grim for someone who has a Father who "withholds no good things" (Psalm 84:11).
But life and the Bible have also taught me to trust God, in a rather legit way. After years of just barely having what I need to pay pills month to month, yet always having enough to pay the bills. Never having a job or ministry that is longer than a year contract, yet always have something next. Car Rental and Airline webpages that stop working when I just needed them to work, followed by an amazing deal the night before. Times of unbearable questions and trouble, followed times of understanding and answers and fulfillment. 
I am learning that trusting God is not something you learn from stories, but learn from reflections on experiences that show it could only have been Him. That trust doesn't come from understanding of how God works, but understanding only that He will work. That happiness does come from having things the way you want them. That my mission in life is not to have what others have, but only what God gives me. That answers to prayer don't usually mean taking the pain away, but being held by God through that. That God is powerful in ways that are surprising to me.
I live in a world where the people around me will fail me, where I more than likely will always have overwhelming debt, where my work will often be frustrating in ways I struggle with handling, and where Christmas music is bound to one day start in October. But this is my Fathers world. Something is coming up next. Bills will get paid. People are worth it despite how they act. I have purpose beyond what I see. God will never stop growing me into a better person. Life will be worth it. I am learning this. I am starting to feel and be able to hold onto something I cannot see or feel.
There was a youth conference here at camp this past weekend, and at the very beginning of there program they showed a video. The message of this video was 'will you let the situations around you effect you, or will you instead effect those situations?' This is my goal.

Enjoying surviving a quiet day

Today I'm enjoying a day to myself here in Dayton Ohio. Normally on days off I am the 'keep to myself type', but on this particular day I was ready to talk to anything that moved. My team however was feeling the quality alone time vibe, which was fine, so I was mostly left on my own. We are staying at a church here in town, as apposed to our usual staying at a host home. It's nice to have time and space to yourself, but when your a compulsive extrovert, it can be frightful. And I'm pretty sure this church is haunted, so I escaped to the great outside. Remember that guy that went 'into the wild' and wandered his way all the way up to Alaska? I would lose my mind after the first day alone.

            An hour long run, and some bible and book time turned it into a good day though, and I think I'm at the point where I am realizing just how good it was for me to get away. I remember way back to our ministry team training in September and how I felt God telling me that my daily time with Him was also daily time away from this world. Away from the hecticness, that which wears on me, and away from the evilness of this world that the Bible so frequently warns us from getting entangled in. It is good to take a break and sink into God's word and thoughts, just so I can remember what is actually true, and be better prepared to combat thinking that easily gets in my head and leads me astray from God's truth. I ended up taking a break also from music as well, just for a little more peace. 

            Its been a really great week. Stayed with an awesome family in Mifflinburg PA, got to see Amanda and Brice Dieter and Jason Wood in Bemus Point NY (they are cool people, you should be their friends). While we were at that church, I really felt God moving. It was great, often I feel like we arrive in a church, do our little song and dance, and leave. And while I don't doubt the work that we do does have purpose we don't see, in this place I could really feel the Holy Spirit move. We did 2 interactive worship programs and a chapel at a school. Through all of this I really felt God tugging on me. At the time I didn't know what He was trying to tell me, so I just prayed that He would move. He did. All though these 3 programs I really felt the Holy Spirit at work. Our personal faith sharings just seemed to have more 'umph'. The kids were really getting into the worship, and after the program I have half a dozen people come up to me and tell me that what I shared that night really moved them and spoke into their lives. It was awesome. I was like a shot of adrenaline to my spirit. Aside from that, the kids were awesome to just hang out with, one of them knew the band Philmont and I almost lost my mind (they are awesome, I want to be their real life friend, you should buy all there music).

            Other fun stories from the week include my team-mate Benjy showering upstairs in the cabin we were staying in, which backed up and flooded the kitchen below, receiving the tablet computer I ordered (woo) which came without a charger (butts), and playing laser tag with a high school youth group.

            Currently I am chillin in a coffee shop. Its a happy mix of both solitude and socialization. I am also people watching, which can be a really greta time in a college town. A bunch of girls just rand by screaming and fist pumping. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I am sure it was 'Go my favourite sports team!". I am Looking forward to traveling to Tennessee tomorrow and then swinging through Virginia, DC, Maryland, Delaware, and New Jersey this week. I also hopefully get my tablet charger via the US postal service tomorrow. Tomorrow also brings hopes of being overly social with my teamates in the van. :)

Intentional purposefulness

Is it a sin to not be purposeful? I feel bad saying that, because we live in culture where we are told and even forced at times to be as productive as possible. I struggle with that in many ways, but this is a topic for another day. The question is, does God expect us to be productive?
One of the greatest blessing I have had, has been to look at my life and seen where God has tooled me with abilities. To see that I am capable at something and to see that I have purpose in those things is an incredible feeling. But is not using them a sin?
I am currently at 'home' (I donno what home is supposed to be anymore, but I am staying with my parents and I guess that's as close as it gonna get at this point). To be honest, its hard. They are both out at work all day, the people I want to hang out with (aka friends) live over an hour away, if not more, and my car is a lawn ornament on the farm currently. The extrovert in me is crying out for human interaction, so I turn to facebook. At the end of the day, I feel like mush. No motivation, sunken in worries about all kinds of things, and in general feeling fairly down.
Tonight, I was doing a great job with this. I had an alright day, but didn't do a whole lot. Went to the coffee shop in town, downloaded 8 programs for my new computer, facebooked, then came home to have dinner with mom and watch a movie (Speed. great movie. too many people die though). 9pm rolls around, and its sleep time (break is a beautiful thing). I retire to my room, and kind of sulk for a bit. I look at another day gone by where I set out to do several things, only to have accomplished facebook and a smoothie. Could have worked on my car, read a book, even worked on some video/graphic production stuff. But like I said, facebook.
At this point I was also struggling with worries. This, that, money, friends, deadlines, car, money, blah, blah, faith, money, exercise, my colon, etc. The thing is though, these worries are all entirely blown out of proportion. They are all fine in actuality, within the realm of accomplishment and problem solving. But for some reason, their weight at this moment is overwhelming, and disheartening. I prayed for a bit, but it was about a lively as a funeral. I looked over and saw a book I had started reading a while ago. I picked it up, and read 50 pages. It wasn't hard, Donald Miller writes like I think, and reading his books is like having a conversation with someone who 'gets you'. At the end of it all, I felt 3000% better. Worries had retreated to reasonable concerns that were easy to address, motivation was doing well, and talking to God had purpose instead of 'habit'.
Did I read something inspiring? Not really, it was a good read, but nothing mind blowing. Do I like to read? Rarely, though books on Christian living are really starting to become a staple in my life. Was reading Donald Miller the extrovert conversation I needed? I hope not, I don't think book reading replaces human interactions.
What I think happened here was that I did something purposeful. As I said, reading is not something I do for entertainment or to relax, but this book does drop insights into my life from time to time. I think God is trying to show me that I live to be productive. To accomplish, succeed, create, move. Sitting around on facebook all day, ignoring what needs to be done is not what God has in mind for me, or anyone for that matter. There are things that need to be done, not for the sake of being done, but to accomplish a purpose. I am meant to have purpose, I was created to do so. That doesn't mean I wake up every morning and get right on the list of things to do until sun down, but it means that devote a healthy portion of my day to doing what God was gifted me to do. Maybe that's fixing my car, or running a sound board, or calling car insurance companies to get quotes. Some fun, some really not.
Maybe that's what I'm missing in my day, some intentional accomplishments. Maybe these fears, worries, and lack of motivation are God's way of showing me that I am not on track at the moment. That when I seek His purpose in my day, I am better able to see His provision for what's ahead.
I kinna feel like a kid getting candy as a positive re-enforcer. Then again, maybe God is just trying to get my attention. Or maybe me choosing to be lazy is me choosing to try and fill the blessing box in my life that God is meant to fill.

Oh hey world

So here I am 2 months into this crazy thing called Captive Free (aka, travel doing ministry, living in other people's homes, eating other people's food, borrowing other people sanity. haha, I jokes. maybe). This adventure has been just that. 12 states, 8 thousand miles, thousands of people, and even more memories. That sounded precious. Go me.
My life on the road has been a whole lot of many things. Traveling has affirmed me that this is what I am built to do. I have not been to a place yet that I did not love. Iowa: small town awesome where everyone knows everyone (in a good way) and noone locks their doors. Nebraska: prairie awesome. For cereals, I love it here maybe more than anywhere else. Flat is the coolest thing ever. Staying in a grain mill town make my weekend. Colorado: kinna goes without saying, but just in case you live in a shell, rockie awesome mountains. New Mexico: we entered an entirely different environment the moment we crossed into it. it was crazy awesome. Very beautiful, mixing the awesome of flat with some random mountains. Arizona: surprised me with its beauty. Beautiful mountains, crazy cool desert, and a shot of adrenaline every time you check your shoes, backpack, bed, undies for scorpions and spiders. I walked down an ally one night petrified a rattler was gonna jump out and get me. I wanna do it again. ps, did you know that London Bridge is in Arizona? Someone didn't think that through. Its evident in that they set it up and then dug a trench underneath it for that full bridge effect. Nevada: 15 minutes crossed it as we went into California. It seemed cool though. California: ok, of all the places to not be all that impresses, Cali took this hat. it had cool rolling mountains that were a blast to drive through and the ocean was super awesome of course, but other than that I didn't really have the awe effect that Nebraska gave (seriously, loved that place. the T-storms were beyond awesome). Oregon: beautiful ,our time there was too short. It also got bonus points for not being 100* all the time. Arizona was killer for that and Cali didn't let up much). We also saw our first cloud in 3 weeks in Oregon. Awesome. Seattle (I would say Washington, but we really didn't much of it other than the greater Seattle area) was cool. Take the random lakes of St. Paul MN, turn them into ocean inlets, add rockie mountains, and stand under a shower for 3 weeks and you have my time in Seattle. Beautiful place. I returned to randomly shouting "MOUNTAINS" when we arrived here, something I did all too often in Colorado. We left Seattle after 3 weeks, it rained 1 1/4" the day we left. I got to sit in that while putting on the chains on our van tires for the mountain pass where that 1 1/4" of rain was 1.5 feet of snow.  funny how that converts. That drive was 3 hours of 15 miles of mountains in the dark. I was sad to miss the scenery, but enjoyed the return to winter driving. My teammates weren't as joyful as I was for that part. Idaho: did not have the honour of my feet, we drove right through. Should have stopped. You know, just to make sure gravity felt the same there or something. It was another beautiful mountain drive. And finally, Montana: honky toots, I don't know if you could create a more stunning place than northwest Montana. Mountains, rolling hills in plains, beautiful lakes, rivers, and legit Big Sky (its a state catch phrase). The sky has some kind of awesome going on in it. Donno why it sparkled so much. People are really nice here too, small town feel. But never too far from their guns :) One of our contact described a local business man as 'One of those guys who threatened to shoot everyone'. Apparently that described his conflict resolution skills, not his sanity. In Indiana they have signs that say 'Food Gas Fireworks', in Wisconsin 'Food Gas Cheese', and in Montana 'Food Gas Guns'. I like it. maybe. Every time you blink here, you are avoiding another head on collision with dear, so I guess those guns have some purpose.
That was supposed to a brief bit about my travels. I guess 8 thousand miles cannot be described so briefly. I have much more I want to talk about, but I think this is good for now.

tah tah for now.

Ask, and you shall recieve. Recieve, and you shall not complain about it.

hey friends.
So, as many of you know, I am back in the US about to embark on my 3rd Youth Encounter ministry team. Crazy eh? I am stoked because this is truly the thing that I love to do, but coming to this point was not a straight forward process. I'm sure you have all heard the quote from the Bible "ask and you shall recieve". I don't think I realized this full extent of this however until this point.
So the fact that I am doing this again probably doesn't surprise a lot of you. By personality, I am built for this, and I have often reminisced of it and fantasized about doing it again. Despite all this however, my ending up here once again was not a result of any of these factors. A few weeks ago, I was sitting in the Youth Encounter office working on graphic stuff for this upcoming year's programs, and I was very suddenly moved by God. I spent a while trying to discern what it was that He was trying to tell me and I finally realized that He wanted me to do YE again. It was very shocking, and I was actually really opposed to it. I tried to push it off and forget about it with 'it has to mean something else, something more logical' reasoning. I was scared at the idea of doing team again simply because of what it meant. Being away from home, living as a full time volunteer, being away from my church community and youth group, having to reorganize finances, living in the US once again, and mostly feeling like this was an irresponsible idea all overwhelmed my thoughts and really bought me to the point where I thought it wasn't at all what God wanted for me. God however, doesn't settle for my reasoning and pursued me on this regardless of my attempts to shove it aside. After a lot of pray, advice from others, and processing, I accepted this call back to YE and now here I am again.
Its kinna weird to be back in someways. Team is a very public life with very little private time and its hard to make the transition back again from having more time to myself to not. In other ways, it feels like I am picking up exactly where I left off. I love everything about this ministry and the work that I get to do and I know that I am very gifted for this line of work. We had our first booking this past weekend and it went really well. One of the hardest things however has been letting go of what I was hoping to do this fall. It amazes me that I always want the opposite of what God hands me. During my past 2 YE teams I struggled with wanting to be back at EBC and with everyone I knew there. Last when I returned there, I missed life on the road and resented being back in school. And now? Well, excitement for what is coming has welled up in my leaving me ready to take this on, but I really struggled with not wanting to do this for a while. During my discernment process God told me this. 'Following and obeying me is really worth much if I'm going to kick and scream about it, then grumble constantly when i finally give in. He wants me to be excited for what He has in store for me, to give with a joyful heart (quote: the Bible somewhere) and be excited for this mission He has given me' Its not like God is asking me to scrub sewers for Him, He has given me a mission in an area that I am 1. gifted in 1. passionate about 3. LOVE doing. When I realized this, and let my previous hopes and idea go, I came to a great peace for what God wanted for me, and I am happy to be here now.
We hit the road for reals this saturday, and its gonna be quite the adventure ahead. I shall be on the west coast and am looking forward for what comes my way. I will try to keep you all update on my adventure and on the ministry that I am embarking on. For now, I shall enjoy a few more days in the awesome Minnesota nature up here outside the small town of Remer.
Peace friends

Last Thoughts From the Summer

Heya friends,
So I definitely fell of the blog train this summer, sorry about that. But I made you all a little something to kind of get a feel as to how my summer in the wilderness went. I hope you enjoy!

Return to breathing

Trip 2 = complete. unfortunately. Its funny cause after my first trip I wasn't sure how ready i was to take out another group. I was on the water less than 3 days after my emotionally/physically exhausting first trip and had the thought 'can i do this again?' I don't think i realized just how much that trip had taken out of me until i tried to do it again. The good news? Sun, a fun group that could paddle more than 0.5mph, and some good time with God revitalized me. We only had 1 day of rain this week, very little wind which led to some awesome wave surfing in our canoes (it was such a blast), and the group was such a blast. I had an awesome adult adviser once again (always a wild card), a phenomenal jr staffer (known as a swamper), and 6 fun having, loud kids. One of which who's love language was rough-housing. As the week progressed, we discovered that screaming was our best means of communication (i had to seriously readjust myself after this when I returned to camp). These guys loved to explore, adventure, and give me a hard time (i returned the favour).

Some highlights include: all kinds of wildlife sightings (no moose or bears unfortunately), a monster dinosaur turtle stalking my campers on the shore of one campsite (it was 3 feet long), battling 3-4 foot waves when there was no wind (epic fun), me farting one morning (it was cold and i wanted to heat up my sleeping bag) which caused my adult adviser to wake up and ask me if we were breaking camp to which i explained to him that i farted and he returned to sleeping, my one wild camper wrestling my adult adviser and getting his braces stuck in my advisers sweater, and finally returning to camp covered in war paint (camp fire ash drawn on our faces) screaming like savages.
This really was a great week. I hope to have more like it. Today I'm chilling in town. It was 32*C at camp today with 100% humidity, but here in town it is 20 or so. welcome to the wonder of lake superior.

Enjoy Canada Day friends.